Pretty Hurts

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Hurts_(song)

 

Conform. Sit still and look pretty. You must be pretty if you want to be loved. If you're not pretty, you can't even love yourself.

 

Well, you know what? Pretty hurts. I'm not talking about being beautiful. I'm talking about being forced into a box of how to feel and be. Of resenting people who are free, because of course we would all like to be like that, but you can't be free if you're trying to be pretty all the time.

Women (and men) are literally broken down into checklists and numbers. 5.0 or 9.5. Graded on our worthiness based on being pretty. Yes, a lot of it is looks. Industrialized looks. But a lot of it is deeper. What if thin lips could be beautiful? What if uneven skin could be beautiful? "No!" they say. It's all science. We aren't intelligent beings, we're animals. We can't help what we like. If you don't conform to what homo sapiens like, you will be unacceptable, unlovable and alone.

 

It comes almost true.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. But do you know what they think of you? They think your hair is the wrong color. So it doesn't work out.

 

It's heartbreaking.
You don't know yet that it will go deeper.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is the right color. But do you know what they think of you? They think you're not entertaining enough. So it doesn't work out.

 

You start googling what you're doing wrong. There are plenty of people happy to tell you.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is right. You work hard to be fun and spontaneous for them. You know they like this. But you didn't know that they like you to tell them that they are always right. So it doesn't work out.

 

You stop falling for people.

 

You start falling for the lies.

 

You study and shape yourself. You say it's self-improvement. It works.

 

But it makes you cry that it works.

 

You hear a song from years back every once in a while, or run into an old friend. It makes you nostalgic for yourself, before you knew what people liked.

 

It's hard to reconcile the likeable person you can be if you try and the unlikeable person you can be if you don't. We should try. We should be kind. We should have courage. We should be pretty.

 

You meet someone, but you don't fall.

 

You study. You feel something, so you calculate. You think.

 

You don't say too much or too little. You look good but hide the appearance of maintenance. You laugh but hide the frowns. You're pretty.

 

It works.

 

You keep them at arms distance but get terrified when they move farther away than your arm can reach. You are cool and unreachable, then you're desperate and irrational. You don't know why.

 

They stick around though. After a while, your arm gets tired of holding them at a distance. They're pretty cute, too, you want to be a little closer.

 

But what if they see? What if they start seeing the frowns? Or the pores? Or the moodiness? What if they see, Heaven Forbid, the dance moves???

 

Then one day it happens. They see something. Maybe it's a frown, or a rude remark. Maybe it's eyelashes with no mascara or a stretch mark. You freak out. Because you know what that will mean. That it won't work out.

 

Your knowledge comes from experience. It's not book knowledge, it's wisdom. It's truth. It's reality. We can't control what we like.

 

But then they don't go. It's confusing.
It's scary.
Because you know they will just see more. Then they will go, and you don't want them to. You never wanted them to.

 

They'll start saying things. Like that they don't care that you're not pretty. You never realized that that was what you wanted to hear all along.

 

Not that, "You are pretty."

That they don't care that you're not.

 

They think you're beautiful. They think your smiles and your frowns are beautiful. They think you're beautiful when you've shaved and when you are paying homage to your cold climate ancestors. They think your cuteness and your independence are beautiful.

 

You'll remember how it felt before you judged yourself. Before you decided only certain qualities could stay. Before something like the color of your hair could make you cry. You'll remember fearlessness. You'll remember confidence. You'll remember yourself like an old friend. You'll remember strength, not prettiness.

 

You'll still cry sometimes. You'll still get scared and crawl into your "pretty" box for protection. It's hard to believe, but you will see it with your own eyes. Your knowledge will come from experience. It won't be book knowledge, it will be wisdom. It will be truth. It will be reality. We can choose what we love.

 

Pretty girls make me cry. Because pretty hurts. Deeply. It doesn't hurt to put on mascara. But "pretty" girls put on mascara to cover up the pain of when someone said their eyelashes were short and it didn't work out. It doesn't hurt to exercise. But "pretty" girls run to run away from the pain of when someone said they were too fat and it didn't work out. Plastic surgery hurts. But not as much as the pain of someone not loving you because you're not "pretty."

 

Pretty is a mask that hides deep wounds of not being loved. But if we can be brave enough to put down the mask, someday we will discover that we're worth more than pretty. We're actually beautiful.

 

<3<3<3 

Tree Change Dolls

 

 

Tree Change Dolls Facebook

 

Tree Change Dolls Website

I love these dolls :)

A beautiful Australian woman removed these Bratz dolls faces and repainted them the way they could be. She added flat feet, and some modest, homespun clothing.

Pictures of these dolls went viral shortly after she shared them on her personal Facebook page. I think people love them for a lot of reasons. The dolls look soooo different, but nothing too significant is changed, not hair, not face shape, just the makeup and attitude.

I think I love them so much because they look like they've been set free. They look real. They look like they can see. They look like they could say something. They look innocent, curious, kind, intelligent, open. Not hard, closed off, frozen and unfeeling.

 

Doll makers would do well to take the viral-ity of these dolls into consideration.

 

But I think the change in these dolls resonates much more deeply for a lot of people. They raise interesting questions, that I think demand some heartfelt searching rather than easy answers. Which version of myself am I? How am I choosing to show myself? Do I bravely show my true self and not present/value myself as just a thing? Are the small, subtle things I choose to do/be making me more kind, intelligent and open? Or, are they making me into a cold, hard THING?

 

We deserve to speak and see and think and be modest. We are not things.

:* <3

Consistency

Consistency.  I'm not talking about the how creamy the gravy is, I'm talking about doing things over and over and over again. I think it is one of the most fundamental principles of life. You must eat consistently. You can't over eat one day and not have to eat the rest of the week, it just doesn't work that way. You can't sleep for 24 hours then stay awake for the next three days with the same energy as sleeping 8 hours per night.

It's the secret that makes simple things illusive. People who want to lose weight have heard that you will lose weight if you exercise. That's only partially true. You will lose weight only if you exercise consistently.  People who want to get out of debt know that they must make sacrifices of their wants and save to pay off debt. True, but it only works if you do that consistently. It's easy to try something one time. But it won't do anything for you until you've done it over and over during a period of time. Which is tricky, because that requires faith.

It takes faith to motivate yourself to do something difficult consistently when you're not seeing results. Humans like fairness when it's in our favor. It seems fair that if I do something one time, I should see a result one time. Not if I do something 100 times, I see a result. It's not always easy to eat healthy. But imagine that you had no evidence that eating healthy actually made you healthy... wouldn't it be harder? That's how it is for people (aka, all of us in some regard) who are inconsistent. We try something and we don't see it working. So we think it doesn't work and we give up.

It takes consistency to change. Effort exerted over a long period of time. We don't see the results for a while. But the cool thing is that with true change, the results keep coming and coming, consistently. :) If you start to try to be kinder to people, you may not notice any change immediately. It may be hard for you if you're used to being mean and sarcastic. Only over time will people begin to trust you more and open up to you. The fruits of your consistent kindness come later down the road in the form of strengthened friendships. One-time effort is not enough for a reward. True change is what gets results, and that is only accomplished through consistent effort. You won't have any huge change. Because change isn't huge. It's very small. It can only happen at the rate at which you grow. Living life and especially, having experiences determines that rate.

It takes consistency to see an increase in spirituality. You may feel the spirit if you're reading the scriptures one time. But only when you study consistently will you be more and more likely every day to have just the right scripture pop into your head when you need it. If you pray once, that is great, a bigger act of faith than not praying at all. But when you pray consistently, only then will you really see progress in your prayers. I think part of the reason for the delayed results for changing in life is for us to prove our intent. You wouldn't trust your usually selfish acquaintance if they were suddenly nice to you, because you'd suspect they have an ulterior motive, i.e., want the one-for-one ratio of blessing to effort.  It takes maturity to be consistent, or rather I should say it builds maturity.

Our Heavenly Father also wants us to prove our intent. If we pray only once a month when we need a blessing, it's better than not praying at all (just like being nice once a month is better than not at all); but if we really want to have true results, we need to do it consistently. Because when something is hard, requiring us to sacrifice, it really brings out true intent. There are classes intended to "weed out" people in certain areas of study. Professors purposely make things difficult, requiring students to sacrifice. Only those with very strong and true intent will be sustained through all those consistent sacrifices and efforts. These are the students who deserve to get the ultimate reward of the career of their choice. Professors want all their students to succeed. But by pressuring them and requiring them to sacrifice the professors and students learn a lot about the students' true intent.

It's the same with our Heavenly Father. He purposely made this life difficult. He knows it requires work and discipline and sacrifice to serve, donate, pray, study and learn. But He wants to give us a chance to show our true intent through consistently doing those things anyway. All it requires is faith to actually do those things.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

I'd heard about this book from my Bishop, a good friend, and an article on LDS.org. I finally checked out the free preview on Amazon. Feeling Good, by David Burns. It's probably the best book on cognitive therapy I've ever read.

You have my permission to skip the entire intro and first chapter (I did), it's a little boring.
What first caught my attention was the checklist at the beginning of chapter two.
I've included a picture of it below if you want to complete it.

 Dr. Burns explains that a normal, happy, functional person would have a score around five, and anything below ten is considered normal. Someone who scores higher could use some of the techniques and exercises in this book to improve their level of happiness.

What I loved about this checklist and book is that it didn't just focus on feeling "sad," and it didn't focus on feeling depressed "for no reason," two things we commonly think of when we think of depression. It focuses on negative thinking being the primary cause of feelings of anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and other feelings of depression. It also addressed how most of these things come from how we perceive real problems and challenges in our lives. By changing the way we think rather than feeling we can't be happy until we change the situation, we are able to find happiness at all times throughout our lives and ironically find more motivation for change. (Where have I heard that before, OH YEAH, the gospel of Jesus Christ. And it's also a key principle of existentialism:)

Dr. Burns presents 10 common negative thinking patterns that cause one to feel those negative feelings. I hesitated to list them here, because I really just want you to read the book. It explains so much more.


1. All or Nothing Thinking. This refers to your tendency to evaluate your personal qualities in extreme, black or white categories.
2. Over-generalization. You arbitrarily conclude that since something that happened to you once will occur over and over again.
3. Mental Filter. You pick out a negative detail in any situation and dwell on it exclusively thus perceiving that the whole situation is negative.
4. Disqualifying the Positive. Transform neutral or even positive experiences into negative ones. (Including mind reading and fortune telling errors.)
5. Jumping to Conclusions. You arbitrarily jump to a negative conclusion that is not justified by the facts of the situation.
6. Magnification and Minimization. When you look at your own errors, fears, imperfections and exaggerate their importance, and when you think about your strengths, you may to the opposite.
7. Emotional Reasoning. You take your emotions as evidence for the truth.
8. Should Statements. You try to motivate yourself by saying "I should do this" or "I must do that."
9. Labeling and Mislabeling. Creating a completely negative self-image based on your errors.
10. Personalization. You assume responsibility for a negative event even when there is no basis for doing so.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns Pages 60-70

One reviewer said the book was almost too "cheerful" for someone who is depressed to take seriously. I loved that description. :) It is very cheerful, but the scenarios and conversations recorded in the book make it accessible and relatable. Dr. Burns explains that it is, of course, normal to feel sad and have some of the above mentioned symptoms sometimes. But he makes a sharp distinction with examples between normal sadness and depressive hopelessness. He also explains how learning to think realistically takes time and improvement may ebb and flow, but that improvement will happen. He shares how he still does exercises from the book and how it helps him be happy in his daily life to deal with feelings and internal dialog in a realistic, honest way.
The book also goes into detail about the use of anti-depressant drugs in the last section, which may also be helpful for some cases.
David Burns also wrote a book on relationships and loneliness available here for free that is really great.


*Disclaimer: while I strongly recommend this book for it's superb presentation of cognitive therapy, I don't necessarily support all of the opinions and attitudes expressed by the author on other topics. :)

He Doesn't Care About Efficiency.

I went to my house in Salt Lake last night.  I was doing some laundry...and the washing machine broke mid cycle.  This was especially annoying to me because I happened to be washing my pillows.  So I hauled the soaking, soapy load to the bathtub and finished them Salvadoran style: by hand.  But my weak squeezing of the pillows was NO comparison to two high speed spin cycles, and they were still excessively soggy by the time I moved them to the dryer.

I ran them for 3 dry cycles and the last one finished while I slept.  I was really happy that they were getting dry, I'd had my doubts:)  Then in the morning, a quite mysterious thing happened.
I opened the dryer, and one of my pillows was *gasp* gone.  I don't know where it went.  I don't know why the pillow thief chose to take one pillow (the Calvin Klein one of course,) and leave the other.  I don't know who did it between the hours of midnight and eight.  And I don't know why.  I do know that I now need to go pillow shopping.  And that I wasted a LOT of time, energy and effort last night.

I HATE waste.  It makes me sick.  So much of life is wasteful.  And it somehow seems like the poorer and more stressed you are, the less you can afford efficiency.  When I was asking my dad if he knew anything about the pillow heist, I found myself explaining it to him in my anger by sarcastically yelling saying,

"I LOVE things that FRUSTRATE me because they give me a chance to ...grow."

The Lord is pretty forgiving.  And merciful.  And comforting.  I've found if you give him a gram of effort, he'll take away your anger and fear and replace them with peace and understanding.  Of course, it took a while for all my anger to fade, but by the end of that sentence, I could already feel myself calming down and realizing sarcasm wasn't necessary, because what I was saying was actually true.  (Well, maybe not the love part, but) frustrating things help us grow.  It can make me feel guilty when I don't do things the most efficient way.  Because I hate waste.  It makes me feel like an unwise steward, non-thrifty, and stupid. But despite our efforts, life is rarely efficient.

But something dawned on me today.  The Lord doesn't care about efficiency.  He doesn't care about convenience.  He's in the business of changing hearts, how can he?:)  Patience and efficiency are pretty opposite.  Patience and convenience are pretty opposite.  I know the scriptures tell us over and over to be patient, but I don't recall being told to do things the most efficient way.  Is it efficient to talk to a child?  Is it efficient to give a drug addict time and chances?  No.  It's not efficient, and it's not convenient.  But Christ doesn't much value those things.  Those are things our natural man values, because they allow us to make more of our time.  Patience allows God to make more of us.  Patience helps us allow those around us to make more of themselves.

Update: There's also always a silver lining.  My new pillows are super comfy!

What is Water???

I love this video.  It's so true.  I can't remember who, but someone said, "what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."


Life can be very boring and frustrating.  It's not supposed to be fun and exciting all the time. It's not supposed to be easy.  You give life meaning yourself.  You choose to make it fulfilling. It's all about how you think and process the world.  You do need to get away from the negative default setting.  Thinking positively is not something you're born with, it's something you learn.  Noticing those around you isn't a natural skill, it's acquired. 

One thing this video left out, is that there are things that add meaning, passion and purpose to life.  Family, friends, service, religion, hobbies. These things make the drudgery worthwhile:)  It gives you a reason to come home. And to go back to work.  And still be able to enjoy life.:)I'm going to try to be more conscious of my own thoughts and more aware of those around me.  I invite you to do the same.

Modesty: Not Just for the Sake of Others

There has been a lot of talk in the LDS community about modesty circulating around Jessica Rey's recent presentation on the evolution of the bikini.  There has been a lot of responses to her call to modesty, so here's mine:)

It's important for both men and women to be modest, but to keep it simple, we're going to talk about women in this post.


The ironically fine line between feelings of shame and of self-respect.

I feel that every girl who chooses to dress modestly has at one point or another asked herself if she does it because she loves and respects her body or if she is not confident enough to bare it.  I was raised by a mother who truly valued and taught me to value modesty, so I never had to struggle with wearing super immodest clothing, but I can definitely understand the feelings of something being just a little too revealing.  Something that maybe doesn't bother you a bit when you're in your home, but when you walk outside, you suddenly become aware that you are not dressed quite as you should be.  This induces a feeling of shame, and I think this is why it can be confusing to wonder if you are ashamed of your body. The world preaches that we should snuff out any uncomfortable feelings of shame by driving ourselves past feeling.  Many women do not feel uncomfortable in immodest clothing because they are past feeling uncomfortable about it. I think this sense of "shame" is actually a desire to protect something sacred. Honoring those feelings leads to self-respect.   Perhaps we were all born with some deep spiritual inkling that our bodies are sacred.  That they are a gift from God, something over which we have stewardship and need to protect.

You are not your own.

The new Miley Cirus song, "We Can't Stop" really bothers me, because it doesn't ring true. She says, "It's my mouth, I can say what I want to, it's our house, we can love who we want to..." etcetera. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 6:19 "Know ye not that...ye are not your own?"  We aren't our own.  We can't do anything we want and only have ourselves to answer to. We are only stewards over precious bodies that God has given us.  They belong to Him.  We all belong to Him, whether we know it or not.  To disrespect our own bodies is not harmless.  The same way we are careful with things people lend us, we should be careful with our bodies.


Objectification 

Objectification can be an illusive concept for people.  What does it mean to "objectify" someone, and why is it such a bad thing?  First, let's understand what a person is.  Every person, despite what they do, is a dynamic, living, breathing, thinking, creative, sacred, being, with potential beyond what we are capable of imagining.  They are to be respected, loved, and admired.  This starts with oneself. Objectification is when you take this sacred, dynamic being, and separate her into parts. Aristotle taught that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts." Taking apart a person and measuring her by worldly standards is offensive to God and to our brothers and sisters.  It's offensive to take apart a miracle and and analyze it, compare, and measure it.  It's insulting, because it is so unrepresentative and ignorant of the whole.

To assign value to a part of the whole is truly like judging a book by its cover.  Perhaps the cover may give you a few clues about what lies beneath the surface, like the title and the description on the back; those parts of ourselves we show to the world.  But it really means nothing about what is under the surface.  If you want to understand a book, you must open it up and read.  No matter how long you stare and measure and compare the cover of a book, you can never know what it is, you can only speculate.  There are so many parts to a person.  To assign someone value based on their physical appearance is not reflective of the worth of the whole. It doesn't have to be physical appearance, but that's usually what it is.  It could be a specific skill, possession, or connection. The world teaches that we should compare and judge.  God teaches we should love one another and enjoy our differences. Deciding between these two teachings can be difficult because the world blares its message loud and clear, while God speaks with a still small voice.

To be immodest is to objectify yourself.  Like putting a book on display in a glass case.  People come to admire the cover, but now no one can really read it and get beneath the surface.  It sends a message that your body is the most important part of yourself.

Conversely, dressing modestly is a barrier to objectification, because it minimizes the importance of what you see on the surface.  If a book had one of those stretchy fabric covers on the front, wouldn't you be so much more likely to open it up and flip through the pages in order to find out what it is?  Not saying you have to be completely swathed in spandex:) but the idea is the same. It doesn't decrease the value of what's on the outside.  It increases the visibility of what's on the inside.  Dressing modestly doesn't mean you are ashamed of your body.  It means that you correctly understand that it's only one part of yourself, and that the other parts are worth getting to know.  That the whole is more than the sum of its parts:)

 If any man defile the temple of God him shall God destroy, 

for the temple of God is holy,

1 Corinthians 3:17

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The Great Gatsby

Gatsby was awesome.  So awesome that I didn't really cry about it until I was at home. In my bed.  What can I say, I'm a cry baby.

I didn't really appreciate the way they colored the story.  They were pretty heavy handed in guiding the audience's opinion.  I think  what made the book such a classic is that Nick, the narrator, explains in the beginning that he reserves judgement.  In the movie, Nick gives his judgement at the very beginning.  Kind of hard to be open minded after that.  I felt like I was being spoon-fed. He was also super present in the movie.  The movie was about him and his experiences, rather than that of those around him. Still a wonderful movie, but I don't think it's classic status like the book. Best part: when Gatsby first introduces himself to Nick and he warmly raises his glass in the final moment of a symphonic fireworks show. The man's got style. Or, a "perfect, irresistible imagination!"

I also felt like Daisy wasn't hateful enough.  She seems like a total victim here, but in the book, she displays character flaws from the beginning.  Nick's comment that she and Tom are "careless" is kind of the main point, but Daisy doesn't show much carelessness except for when she kills Myrtle.  The whole film, she is endeared to the audience and her love with Gatsby is made noble.  In the book, she is a very attractive, charismatic, careless, almost heartless girl.  She is not endearing.  She does garner sympathy, but she allows herself to play the victim. Not endearing. Her love affair with Gatsby is not as important to her as it is made out to be in the movie.  Yes, he mattered to her, but she never would have chosen him over Tom, even if she had them both side by side.  It can never be the way Gatsby wishes.  Gatsby is not old, comfortable money.  No amount of cash, cars, and mansions can change that.  He will never measure up, he will never be enough. It's not based on personal merit, it's chance of birth. This is shown by the contrast of when Tom is/isn't there.  When he's not around, Daisy loves Jay and wants to be with him and thinks he's perfect.  When Tom's there, everything about Gatsby seems impossible, trashy, silly and small.

The Great Gastby disproves the American Dream.  It says that you can't really rise up to people who will never accept you.  No matter what you do, what you're born with does affect you. That's depressing.  Is it true? Maybe, maybe not.  But studying public health, I know that what you're born into does matter.  I think stories of rags to riches are so inspiring to us because we subconsciously understand how difficult it really is to overcome everything that "rags" entails. I wish people were more conscious of it.

In the book, Gatsby's relationship with his father breaks my heart.  It's so wistfully tender.  Gatsby doesn't bring his father into his new world.  He can't.  His father doesn't belong in the world into which Gatsby is so desperately trying to fit. But he loves his father.  His boyhood list includes that he wants to be better to his parents.  He gives his father money.  But he can't be in both worlds.  To acknowledge his past is to be excluded from the future he desires. I was really disappointed that they cut this aspect out of the movie. It's very telling of the purity of Gatsby's heart and I felt like the audience should have seen it.  And understood more why Gatsby is good.

The casting was phenomenal. Everyone nailed it. What a story. About human nature, privilege and responsibility. Pure, cuttingly raw, innocent, and passionate emotion, masked and confused by fun and excess.  Yes, it resonates with humanity today.

Anyway, those are my brief thoughts:)

What Would You Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

I came across this query the other day, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" I don't know. Interesting concept, though.  Fear is interesting.  It is a motivating force in our lives whether we like it or not.
Sometimes fear can be a good thing.  It can save your life by preventing you from doing something stupid, but as a general rule, it hinders us.  Even more hindering than fear, anxiety, fearing something that hasn't happened, fearing what could go wrong.  Living life based on what could go wrong is not a happy way to live. Would I live a happier life if I knew I could not fail?  What would I do? 

Maybe it's not a bad thing to know you may fail; maybe it's only bad if you do not try because you are paralyzed by fear of failure.  

I'm on track to go to grad school even though I know I could fail.  I keep dating people even though relationships have failed in the past and will likely fail again.  I accept that not every venture I have will be successful, but as JK Rowling says, 

"It is impossible to live without failing

at something, unless you live so

cautiously that you might as well not 

have lived at all - in which case 

you fail by default."

You can do what you want where you are with what you have.

I misread a quote today to say "You can do what you want, where you are, with what you have." It must have been a message from my subconscious.  I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with things I want to do that seem so far out of reach.  One of my main New Year's Resolutions was to live up to my privilege, meaning, rather than wanting more, to first fully use what I have.   

"Drops of Awesome:" Positivity

I just read "Drops of Awesome," by Daring Young Mom.  It was so inspirational.  She talked about how whenever you have a positive thought about something you're doing well, you remember that you're not doing it perfectly, and you feel discouraged.

I, like most people, am a perfectionist.  My own weaknesses (for lack of a better word) disgust me.  I have a desire to be perfect, to be unashamed of who I am, but it's hard because I'm not perfect (shocker) and I do LOTS of embarrassing things. :)

But I also do good things.  Both statements are true. I do good things and I do stupid things.  So I have to choose which one to focus on.  I choose positivity.  Things are the way they are, they don't affect how I think, feel and act.  How I interpret them affects how I think, feel and act.

None of us are perfect, but we're not lost causes either.  Focusing on the small victories adds meaning to a confusing life:)

End the Glorification of "Busy."

I manage our business Facebook page.  You know how Facebook will prompt you to update your status by saying, "What's on your mind?"  On the business pages, it will prompt you with other things, like "Are you doing anything special for the holidays?" or "Share something with your audience..."

Today, the prompt really stood out to me.  It said "Tell people what you're busy with today..."  I have recently been thinking a lot about "busyness."  I have a friend whose life motto is "End the glorification of 'busy.'"


Elder Utchdorf commented on the glorification of busy:
"And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.

Is it?

I think of our Lord and Exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His short life among the people of Galilee and Jerusalem. I have tried to imagine Him bustling between meetings or multitasking to get a list of urgent things accomplished.

I can’t see it."

We live in a culture of stress and overabundance.  We run from work, school, practice, lessons, parties and errands in an endless whirlwind of busyness.  Maybe it makes us feel important.  Maybe we look down on those who are not busy because we are jealous of them.  We may think we have to do all these things. When we see people with the focus to say no, people with control over their lives, people who delegate and are interdependent, maybe we are a bit envious.

We know that the way they are living is good, better than the meaningless hustle and bustle.  They seem to posses such clarity; we feel embarrassed to be so overwhelmed.  So we start to make excuses about why we need to be so busy, and we defensively attack non-busy people questioning whether they are as needed or important or high-functioning as us.

Of course, life does get busy at times.  But it's one thing to get busy once in a while, and quite another to live as an angry American, ready to explode the second a car cuts in front of you on the road.  Life is not meant to be lived that way.

I am a fan of yoga and meditation.  When you are so high strung all the time, it's hard to slow down and connect with your body.  It's sad that we get that way.  We forget how to feel.

There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when busy people first experience yoga. They cry.  Even if they're not sad.  They feel the weight of things that have happened to them years ago.  They breakdown after being overwhelmed for far too long.  They finally take the time to slow down and connect with their bodies.  They feel.

Busyness is jading.  It forces people to go into survival mode because they can't emotionally handle all of the stimulation they're experiencing.  This is a great mechanism when you have to go through really stressful times.  But it can be hard to turn that off when the stressful times are over. It takes conscious effort to clear our minds and schedules and end the glorification of busy.

"Wear Pants to Church Sunday" - My Thoughts

There has been a lot of offence and hurt feelings over "Wear pants to church Sunday."  It's understandable; the church is very near and dear to many people, and it's hard to know how to respond when it feels like someone is attacking your beliefs.  When people say, "What's the big deal?  Don't get so upset, they're just pants.  Even the church says we can wear them to meetings."  One point that has been made quite clear is that this is not about the pants.  It's a protest.  


So, what are these skirt shunners protesting?  There are a lot of specific things, but I think it boils down to two main points: (1) the "family ideal" preached by the church and (2) the fact that priesthood is given only to men.  There are a lot of complaints (not able to participate in baby blessings, can't hold "higher" callings, like bishop and stake president) but I think they all mainly fall under these two umbrellas.  

The Family Ideal

Those claiming that the church's focus on family belittles women must be going to a different church than I am.  The church is very supportive of women.  I know of no organization that views women and mothers in such a respectful way.  Some argue that by glorifying the role of mothers, the church inadvertently belittles women who are not married stay-at-home moms.  Maybe individuals do, in which case individuals are who need to change, not the church. The church has never blamed or belittled women who have to work to support their families or who choose to have a career.  


It boils down to faith in the purpose of the family unit.  I studied public health, and I feel in every way that the family is the best possible functioning unit of society.  There are several things that must be accomplished in a society: humans must be born (some people forget this critical step), they must die, and in between they must make a monetary living to support themselves and do the basic tasks required to survive as a society (eat, clean, care for the helpless).  These responsibilities can be divided very neatly between two people.  


Both share in producing a new human.  But what next?  They need to eat, clean, and make a living.  Adam Smith was famous for his thoughts on the assembly line.  Workers divided and specialized.   Why?  Because it was much more effective.  Two single parents raising a child have to do much more work than two married parents working together raising two children.  They synergize. Now, the only tricky part, who is to stay home, and who is to go to work?  


Nature (God) has made this decision for us.  Women carry baby humans and feed them when they are born.  It is much more convenient for women to be the ones at home when they are pregnant, recovering from pregnancy and feeding the baby humans.  Men, who don't have this task, are free to go out and make a living that they then share equally with the woman at home.  Because they are equals.  Neither task is more important.  The Savior taught this principle when he taught that, "If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing?  If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?..They are many members, yet but one body."  Neither part is more important.  Just different, and both needed for a functioning unit.

The Right to the Priesthood

The right to the priesthood is the other major complaint raised.  First, I want to stress that it's a good thing to fight for your rights.  It runs very deep in our American society.  We know what our ancestors sacrificed to build this country where men and women of all ages and races have rights.  The birth of America is a fairy tale that just doesn't happen anywhere else around the world.  At the first hint that someone is taking away their rights, people get very fired up and defensive.  


There's another aspect to our society though; we are a society with an overload of choices.  You can have it your way.  This spawns the idea that there is a "best choice" that can bring ultimate happiness.  If only you can achieve the best, then you will be happy.  Some women don't feel ultimately fulfilled and satisfied with their church lives and perhaps feel that if another aspect were added, like priesthood or a new calling, they would be happier.  This is a dangerous attitude.  Not because what people are seeking for are necessarily evil things, but because the idea is flawed.  It supports the thought that happiness and fulfillment are brought on by external circumstances, rather than internal validation.  Perhaps that is what the Savior was trying to teach when he told a rich young man to "sell all that he had."  


Let's think about how the priesthood is used.  The priesthood is the literal power of God on earth.  Worthy priesthood bearers can bless people, heal the sick, administer and have stewardship over families and wards.  However, a priesthood bearer cannot bless or preside over himself.  Men and women alike call upon the powers of the priesthood through a worthy priesthood bearer with the proper stewardship. 


If a woman was sick, she would call on her home teachers/family members to give her a blessing.  A man would do the same.  If a girl wanted a back-to-school blessing, she would call on her home teachers/family members to give her that blessing.  A boy would do the same.  Men and women both answer to their steward, all the way up to the prophet, who answers directly to the Lord.  The Lord is in charge.  Not men. Men and women both participate in the priesthood ordinances of baptism, endowment, and marriage.  Women participate fully in the blessings of the priesthood.  They are not dependent on priesthood bearers, rather the priesthood fosters interdependence and community among all people- men and women.  A desire to turn that interdependence into independence is a social regression (dependence, independence, interdependence), not progress.

Take Home Message

Some women will wear pants on Sunday, and that's okay.  If women in my ward wear pants on Sunday, I won't snidely direct them to this post.  It's good to question your faith and beliefs.  I encourage it, because I feel that is the best way to get to the truth.  That's how I find truth and have developed a testimony.  Prophets encourage us to do that.   I just hope that all of us striving to be saints will refuse to get caught up in the heat and emotion of protest, and seriously pray about what we can do to perfect the church where we can--in ourselves and those over whom we have stewardship.  I also hope we can remember one truth I learned years ago that has forever put my qualms on the matter to rest:  God is not sexist. He's perfect.

The Family Proclamation

New Year's Resolutions

Rosi, being a creep;)

 I'm thinking about what I want to resolve to do in the year 2013.  2012 is going to be pretty hard to top. I graduated college.  Bought a car.  Got my first REAL job.  Got certified to do HIV testing and counseling.  Bunch o' stuff.

However, I've learned that the best New Year's resolutions are not the huge-o ones.  In fact, the best (by far) New Year's resolution I've ever set was a very simple one.

I would consider myself a well-rounded person.  A Renaissance Woman, if you will.  And so I usually set several goals for things I'd like to improve upon in all areas of my life, even though I know that's not the best way to set achievable goals, because I just can't help it.  But about 3 years ago,  I didn't have the gumption to do an end-of-year life inventory.  But it didn't take an inventory to notice that my bedroom was constantly a wreak, and that my clothes rarely made it to the closet.  With my hectic freshman lifestyle, I'd usually do my wash, dump it on the desk, and just wear my clothes from there till they were all dirty again.  It was a vicious cycle.   So resolved to never go to bed with out putting my laundry away.

And I never have since!  For the last three years, my room has been unbelievably cleaner.  It was easy to remember, (I didn't have to consult my goal chart in my journal) and even when I was suuuper tired and ready to fall into bed, I made myself put away my laundry.  I got incredibly fast at it :)

So what's it going to be this year???

New Year's Eve

I've been writing our January newsletter today, so I've had New Year's Eve on my mind.  It is such a strange, nostalgic, evening.  I always reflect on the last 12 months, and realize things that I never noticed before from not having stopped to look.  (Seems to be happening to me a lot lately.)

The past year has been one of immense change for me, with graduation, getting a real job, dating, family stuff...basically in just about every aspect.  It's been good; also exhausting.  I'm looking forward to a fresh start.  There are some things I want to do differently this year.  I haven't fully thought out my resolutions yet, but that nostalgic/motivated feeling will be lingering over me the next few weeks as I hammer them out.

Here are a couple of thoughts that are going into this month's newsletter:

"And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen."

~Thomas Hood

Here, here!

"New Year's Eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights."

~Hamilton Wright Mabie

Mabie

J-J-Jaded

Perfect first post for an existentialist blog ;)

Although I may claim to be an aspiring existentialist, who looks at the good and the bad in life and does the best she can without getting dragged down by the drama... I am also a Homo Sapien.  I.E., I feel things deeply and have a developmental biological response to things that happen to me.

Seems pretty obvious, but it was pointed out to me a few days ago like it hasn't been in a while.  I went back to an old apartment complex I used to live for a dance party with some friends.  Three guys I used to date happened to be there.  (Aren't I lucky??)

It brought up a lot of memories and emotions I hadn't felt in the last few months.  Now that it's all passed, I was looking back with a lot more clarity.

I realized that I had been totally jaded by the first of those guys (sorry other two that had to deal with that...). It blew my mind, because I thought I was rational, and above getting so deeply hurt by a breakup.  I had felt manipulated and betrayed and humiliated, and I was determined never to feel that way again.  So I put up a wall around myself without even realizing it.

 The last few months I've been really lucky and gone out with some fantastic guys, who have helped me let down that wall and be happy and vulnerable again, without such a fear of getting hurt.

It's always good to look back and realize that you've healed. :)  Even though it's embarrassing to think there was a time you were that emotionally unhealthy (and unaware).  But, surprise, we're Homo Sapiens and it happens.