Pretty Hurts

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Hurts_(song)

 

Conform. Sit still and look pretty. You must be pretty if you want to be loved. If you're not pretty, you can't even love yourself.

 

Well, you know what? Pretty hurts. I'm not talking about being beautiful. I'm talking about being forced into a box of how to feel and be. Of resenting people who are free, because of course we would all like to be like that, but you can't be free if you're trying to be pretty all the time.

Women (and men) are literally broken down into checklists and numbers. 5.0 or 9.5. Graded on our worthiness based on being pretty. Yes, a lot of it is looks. Industrialized looks. But a lot of it is deeper. What if thin lips could be beautiful? What if uneven skin could be beautiful? "No!" they say. It's all science. We aren't intelligent beings, we're animals. We can't help what we like. If you don't conform to what homo sapiens like, you will be unacceptable, unlovable and alone.

 

It comes almost true.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. But do you know what they think of you? They think your hair is the wrong color. So it doesn't work out.

 

It's heartbreaking.
You don't know yet that it will go deeper.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is the right color. But do you know what they think of you? They think you're not entertaining enough. So it doesn't work out.

 

You start googling what you're doing wrong. There are plenty of people happy to tell you.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is right. You work hard to be fun and spontaneous for them. You know they like this. But you didn't know that they like you to tell them that they are always right. So it doesn't work out.

 

You stop falling for people.

 

You start falling for the lies.

 

You study and shape yourself. You say it's self-improvement. It works.

 

But it makes you cry that it works.

 

You hear a song from years back every once in a while, or run into an old friend. It makes you nostalgic for yourself, before you knew what people liked.

 

It's hard to reconcile the likeable person you can be if you try and the unlikeable person you can be if you don't. We should try. We should be kind. We should have courage. We should be pretty.

 

You meet someone, but you don't fall.

 

You study. You feel something, so you calculate. You think.

 

You don't say too much or too little. You look good but hide the appearance of maintenance. You laugh but hide the frowns. You're pretty.

 

It works.

 

You keep them at arms distance but get terrified when they move farther away than your arm can reach. You are cool and unreachable, then you're desperate and irrational. You don't know why.

 

They stick around though. After a while, your arm gets tired of holding them at a distance. They're pretty cute, too, you want to be a little closer.

 

But what if they see? What if they start seeing the frowns? Or the pores? Or the moodiness? What if they see, Heaven Forbid, the dance moves???

 

Then one day it happens. They see something. Maybe it's a frown, or a rude remark. Maybe it's eyelashes with no mascara or a stretch mark. You freak out. Because you know what that will mean. That it won't work out.

 

Your knowledge comes from experience. It's not book knowledge, it's wisdom. It's truth. It's reality. We can't control what we like.

 

But then they don't go. It's confusing.
It's scary.
Because you know they will just see more. Then they will go, and you don't want them to. You never wanted them to.

 

They'll start saying things. Like that they don't care that you're not pretty. You never realized that that was what you wanted to hear all along.

 

Not that, "You are pretty."

That they don't care that you're not.

 

They think you're beautiful. They think your smiles and your frowns are beautiful. They think you're beautiful when you've shaved and when you are paying homage to your cold climate ancestors. They think your cuteness and your independence are beautiful.

 

You'll remember how it felt before you judged yourself. Before you decided only certain qualities could stay. Before something like the color of your hair could make you cry. You'll remember fearlessness. You'll remember confidence. You'll remember yourself like an old friend. You'll remember strength, not prettiness.

 

You'll still cry sometimes. You'll still get scared and crawl into your "pretty" box for protection. It's hard to believe, but you will see it with your own eyes. Your knowledge will come from experience. It won't be book knowledge, it will be wisdom. It will be truth. It will be reality. We can choose what we love.

 

Pretty girls make me cry. Because pretty hurts. Deeply. It doesn't hurt to put on mascara. But "pretty" girls put on mascara to cover up the pain of when someone said their eyelashes were short and it didn't work out. It doesn't hurt to exercise. But "pretty" girls run to run away from the pain of when someone said they were too fat and it didn't work out. Plastic surgery hurts. But not as much as the pain of someone not loving you because you're not "pretty."

 

Pretty is a mask that hides deep wounds of not being loved. But if we can be brave enough to put down the mask, someday we will discover that we're worth more than pretty. We're actually beautiful.

 

<3<3<3 

Girls Only Want Boyfriends Who Have Great Skills: Media Case Studies of Skills and Confidence

Napoleon Dynamite came on in the gym the other day. I started to think about how it, and many other movies, resonate the lesson taught in  this really excellent post on Cracked.com (warning, there is some very uncouth language). It talked about how yes, it's essential to be nice and good and true inside, but ONLY BECAUSE OF WHAT IT MAKES US DO. Said another way, faith without works is dead.

If you are not a surgeon, you will not be able to operate on a gunshot victim, no matter how worthy your desire to do so.  Similarly if you don't have "skills," some kind of commodity you can offer the world, you won't be successful in any aspect of life, love, work, school, friends. From the Cracked post:

"What, so you're saying that I can't get girls...unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?"  

No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they're just being shallow and selfish. I'm asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don't say that you're a nice guy -- that's the bare minimum... The patient is bleeding in the street. Do you know how to operate or not."

I love this. Everyone has something to offer on the inside! But, if you only have it on the inside, the only person it benefits is you. Why do you need skills? Why would it be important to have a boyfriend (or girlfriend, we're not being sexist) with skills? With something of value to offer?

Because people have real needs.
The people around us need things and they will find someone who can offer what they need. In a great exchange two entities (like a couple, a work place and employee, etc.) have something the other needs. They are both richer for the exchange. The miracle of business.

Here's the real shebang: having skills gives us that most magical of all words, Confidence.
Guys hate that girls only like "confident guys," thinking all confident guys are jerks. False. Confident guys are confident because they know they have skills. Once you have a skill and you know you have it, it's impossible not to have confidence. Are you ever worried that you'll fail at writing your name? Does your hand get sweaty as you pick up that pen and prepare to write? No. Because you have mastered that skill and you know you have. Confidence isn't something you have to try really hard to have. It's impossible not to have once you've mastered a skill.  And the cool thing is, the more skills you master, the more confidence you have, it transfers from one skill area to your overall being. You have confidence in you "skill" to master skills. (Ha:).

If we want to be successful then, we have to have skills, be aware of them, and use them to benefit the world.


Now we're going to have some fun exploring this concept in a few movies. 

Napoleon Dynamite knows the truth: 

Ah, poor Napoleon. He can't get the girl of his dreams, because he has no skills. What happens? Throughout the movie he a) Gains skills (horseback riding? dancing obviously, karate, campaigning) and b) Demonstrates them to the world (dancing in front of the school, helping Pedro run for SBP) and c) Gains confidence through his successful mastery of those skills (when the school applauds him, when Pedro wins).
After doing all this, he has CONFIDENCE enough to ask his main squeeze to play a round of volleyball. Righteous. He didn't when he first met her. He had nothing of benefit to offer her at their first interaction. She felt uncomfortable. But as their friendship grew and she saw that he was a great guy with a good heart that he manifested through external acts, she started liking him. How would the story have been different if Napoleon hadn't learned to dance? Campaign for Pedro? Do karate? He would have been a "nice guy" who she wrote off. Not BECAUSE he was nice, but because he didn't do anything with it to benefit people external to himself.

Walter Mitty knows the meaning of LIFE:
"To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life."

Walter daydreams because he's unhappy with the life he's living. He has skills for sure, but not all the ones he wants/needs and he's not confident in the skills he has (i.e. introducing himself and his job to the beard guy, he's hardly confident). He goes adventuring and does actual things that are important for him to do as a TIME Magazine worker. Like actually travel, and chase down a needed picture.
He a) Gains skills and uses skills he didn't know he had (traveling, swimming in shark infested waters, hiking, talking to people) and b) Demonstrates them to the world (chasing down the picture, not giving up, traveling to get the missing photo) and c) Gains confidence through his successful mastery of those skills (talks confidently to Cheryl, talks confidently to the beard guy, gets the photo). In the end, he (spoiler alert) ends up with his face on the cover of LIFE Magazine, has a chance with Cheryl, and gains some respect from beard guy. What if Walter hadn't pursued those new skills? He would have nothing to offer beard guy for the magazine cover, Cheryl would have no reason to talk to him, and he wouldn't have hundreds of winks on his eHarmony page.

 Tom understands the painful irony of not using your skills to benefit the world:
Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do? 
Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards. 
Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be. 
Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other? 
Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card. 

 Tom meets a girl he likes while working at a greeting card office. They kinda like each other, but in the end, Summer doesn't feel right about it.  After the break up, Tom starts to revolutionize himself.
He a) Gains skills (applying for jobs, dressing professionally) and also brushes up on skills he already has (drafting architecture) b) Demonstrates them to the world (preparing architecture draft samples, applying for jobs, not giving up) and c) Gains confidence through his successful mastery of those skills (interviews at places way more professional than where he was working before). In the final scene, Tom is professional and confident as he shows up to an interview. He meets a girl and after a brief hesitation, confidently and respectfully asks her out. Remember, when he met Summer his techniques were wayyyy less confident, like playing music, dropping hints, showing up at office parties. His confidence increased because even if he's not 100% where he wants to be right now (he's still unemployed) he's using his skills to try to benefit others. What about Autumn? Would she have been impressed if she met the rumpled greeting card writer he was a year previously? Probably not. Not because he's a nice guy, but because he wasn't doing anything productive with his life.

So, there are lots of variations.

We may be a Napoleon, with no skills: get crackin' on learning some skills.

We may be a Walter, someone who has skills but doesn't really know that yet: start exploring and trying those skills in the real world.

We may be a Tom, fully aware we have skills, but lacking the external manifestation to benefit others: step up and start blessing other people's lives with our rad skills!

Read what Elder Richard G. Scott says about friendship being based on personal merit and selfless service.

Believe In Those You Love

"Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." Jeffrey R. Holland 

Ali and Jordan's wedding!

My old roomie got married this weekend. It was such beautiful wedding and it was so wonderful to see her and her husband so happy:)

Ali and Jordan are married!!!

Aw, I love these guys!

It was soooo pretty:)

What is the Hardest Thing You've Ever Done?

My sister was asked this question in an interview and I've been thinking about it all week.  Thinking about what my response would be.
Like all of us, I've gone through some pretty hard stuff.  Pretty serious stuff.  But the answer I chose was not something that may seem like the hardest thing in my life on the surface, but I think it's the most true answer I have.
The hardest thing I've ever done was ending a relationship with someone I loved very much because the relationship was not going somewhere that was consistent with my values. The reason I'd say this was the hardest, is because I had to have the courage to self-inflict that pain. But I know that happiness isn't found in avoiding pain. It's found in living a life consistent with your values. :)

What's the hardest thing you've ever done?

Leslie's Hoooome!!!!!

Sister Allen is BACK!  After 18 loooong months of waiting, she is finally home.

We were very excited as we went to the airport to meet her!

 Don't ask how, but we went to the wrong terminal!  We ran over to the correct one and seeing her standing there was such a sight for sore eyes!  It was heavenly to finally see her again and just hug her in real life. :)

Poor Les was a little sick. We're glad she made it home okay!

Reunited at laaaast!

I love my beautiful little sis. So happy to have her home:)

Things feel right again:)

My Favorite Disney Princess Moment of All Time

Someone asked me recently who my favorite Disney prince was. It's not that hard, most of them have no personality;) I was a little tied between the Beast and Eric, but then I thought of (and dramatically reenacted) my favorite Disney moment of all time and I knew Eric was the right choice. 

The above quote is probably some of the most honest and loving advice a Disney prince ever gets. Most Disney princes/princesses have seemingly no connections, or very unreliable role models/parental support. The aptly named Grimsby however, gives this advice to Eric in a tender moment one night on the beach as Eric is weighed down with the decisions he has to make. 

It's a decision that I suppose everyone has to make, "Do I wait for what I dreamed of and wanted, or do I accept a real love that is right in front of me, awesome but not perfect, and good for me?" I think the beautiful irony is that Ariel is in fact his dream girl, the very exact same one who rescued him. It's just he wasn't able to recognize that in the context of the imperfection of real life (ie, she's lost her voice, is a little awkward on two legs). He doesn't recognize his "dream girl" when he sees her because of how she is in his head. (I mean, even Max can figure it out...) 

After Eric's brief interlude with Grimsby, he glances up and sees Ariel on the balcony. They have a cute/awkward moment, and Eric smiles.

I think this is the moment he realizes that he really does care about this girl. Then he does it. My favorite Disney princess movie moment of all time. He looks down at his flute, pauses for a second, then throws it into the sea and starts to walk back into the palace. 

Yes, he is immediately foiled by an evil sea witch, but still. The beauty of the moment is not lost. Eric had been playing over and over the melody of his "dream girl," that he heard on the beach. To the audience, we know that he made the right choice because his dream girl is in the palace, but to him, Ariel isn't his dream girl. She's a girl he's starting to fall for, but he still thinks his other "dream girl," is someone else. Throwing his flute away symbolizes him letting go of his expectations and dreams. But he's not really just throwing them away, he's sacrificing them. That is, he's giving up something good for something of far greater worth: a personal dream for an actual loving relationship with a wonderful girl, whom he later realizes is exactly what he wanted and dreamed of.

What if he hadn't? What if he'd kept playing his flute? Married Ursula? Or worse- married Ariel only for what she was to him, a fulfilled dream, not for who she was. How would Ariel feel, knowing he wouldn't have chosen her for her if she hadn't fit the criteria of his dream. That's not a relationship, because he's not relating to her. As he gets to know her, they form a relationship, and he is given the choice: hold out and seek someone to fulfill his own dream, or relate to, care for and protect someone who will do the same for him. And I think he made the right choice.:)

Jessica's Wedding!

Lori, Shanna and me celebrating for Jess:)

Jessica got married! She's my coworker:)  I'm here with my other two babe coworkers, Shanna and Lori. It was so much fun.  Jess looked gorgeous. I really liked the venue, Bella Vista, because it's where one of my best friends and old roommie Rosi had her reception as well!  So that brought back memories.

The flowers were gorgeous.  The had a waffle bar, which was a really fun idea! I loved the whole evening.:)  Marriage makes me happy.  Trav and Jess are perfect for one another.

"My Beautiful Woman"

Wacoal Thailand has produced a campaign called "My Beautiful Woman."  It's the sweetest!

Their slogan is:

"Women Are All Made Beautiful."

I love the three short videos they've produced.  There are a lot of "true beauty" campaigns out there, but this one is very special.  It focuses on selfless love as the thing that makes a woman beautiful.  In the films it shows three women who quietly sacrifice for those who need their help.  I know a lot of beautiful women:)

It reminds me of that scripture, Matthew 16:25   For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will^alose his life for my sake shall ^bfind it.

Let's interpret it a little bit differently: Whosoever will focus solely on herself shall not be beautiful: and whosoever will forget herself in the service of others will have true beauty.

Sweet Roommate

Oooookay.  My new roommate is too sweet for her own good.  She left two cough drops on my pillow when I was hacking up a lung in the shower the other night, and this morning I woke up to this on my front door.

Can you say cutest note ever???  I am so blessed:)  How could I not have a wonderful day after that?