Although I may claim to be an aspiring existentialist, who looks at the good and the bad in life and does the best she can without getting dragged down by the drama... I am also a Homo Sapien. I.E., I feel things deeply and have a developmental biological response to things that happen to me.
Seems pretty obvious, but it was pointed out to me a few days ago like it hasn't been in a while. I went back to an old apartment complex I used to live for a dance party with some friends. Three guys I used to date happened to be there. (Aren't I lucky??)
It brought up a lot of memories and emotions I hadn't felt in the last few months. Now that it's all passed, I was looking back with a lot more clarity.
I realized that I had been totally jaded by the first of those guys (sorry other two that had to deal with that...). It blew my mind, because I thought I was rational, and above getting so deeply hurt by a breakup. I had felt manipulated and betrayed and humiliated, and I was determined never to feel that way again. So I put up a wall around myself without even realizing it.
The last few months I've been really lucky and gone out with some fantastic guys, who have helped me let down that wall and be happy and vulnerable again, without such a fear of getting hurt.
It's always good to look back and realize that you've healed. :) Even though it's embarrassing to think there was a time you were that emotionally unhealthy (and unaware). But, surprise, we're Homo Sapiens and it happens.
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