Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Break Ups Take A Toll

Break ups suck. I do not care who you are or which end of the break up you were on.  I don't care how much more happiness you found post break up, or how liberated you felt after it was over.  They still suck.  You will still wake up in the middle of the night and remember you broke up.  You will have that feeling in your stomach even when you're not thinking about it.  Isn't it funny how the body remembers what the mind chooses to forget?

I was sitting on the grass a few nights ago with a bunch of my girlfriends.  One of them was telling us her drama, and I was looking around at all the girls realizing we had all gone through a rough patch in the dating world lately.  Were the stars just misaligned? I don't know.:)  Maybe you just notice it more when it's happening to you and your friends.  There's so much pain in the world.  But there's so much goodness, too.  I can't get on Facebook without hearing beautiful news that someone's engaged or having a baby or budding a new relationship.

I like to focus on the positive.  But I also am a believer in feeling what you need to feel and not bottling your emotions.  I commented to one of my friends the other day that breakups in general just suck.  He said, "not ALL breakups suck..."  He's been fortunate to stay friends with those he's broken up with.  I wonder if his girls would agree that breakups don't all suck?  Maybe my language was too strong, so I toned it down with, "Yes, but all breakups take a toll." He looked at me like he'd never considered it before.

They do.  It's not the end of the world, but they take a toll.  They are emotionally exhausting.  They take a lot of energy and thought and emotion.  There are a lot of repercussions.  Personal repercussions are obvious.  But you also have to deal with the rest of the world and reassure them while you're vulnerable.  If you were the one broken up with, you're obviously vulnerable.  If you were the one who broke it off, you're still vulnerable.  If it was a good relationship at all, you're questioning your decision and feeling pressure that you're setting your sights too high.  Dealing with people while you're in that vulnerable state is hard.

Your mutual friends are hard. It's awkward.  You don't know how much you should say and if you're a good person, you probably don't want to say too much and taint their opinion/relationship with your ex. You have to learn how to interact with your ex in a normal way when you hang out with mutual friends.

Your exclusive friends are hard. Dealing with awkward, ill-timed questions. Because you play it off as no big deal.  You're glad there's less to explain, but you also maybe wish they understood more.

Your family is hard.  My family falls in love with my boys faster than I do:)  After my family meets them it's hopeless.  Facebook has not helped this phenomenon.  It's hard to tell your family. They offer you comfort, but you know they are disappointed on your behalf, as well as there own.  After all, they want you to be happy.  And they want gradkids and nieces and nephews.

Your coworkers.  Also hard.  Because they likely don't know much.  But they find out if you start crying at work or your job performance is just lower than usual.  It's hard to hide your feelings from people you are around for eight hours a day.

Your married friends.  Very hard.  They're disappointed because they want you to be happy, and they want you to be able to socialize with them more.  Of course you can still be friends with married couples, but there are just a lot of activities single people do that are not really that interesting to married people, especially if they have kids.  It's especially annoying when married friends seem exasperated that you just can't get it right and figure it out and join them in the married world. Lol.  Like you really need that chastisement when your hurting.

Your singles ward.  Mmm hmm.  Awkward.  As one of my good friends likes to say, "If you pee in the pool then you have to swim in it." Breakups within a ward are Awk.Ward.

Facebook.  Just don't do it.  Seriously.  Your hundreds of acquaintances don't need to be privy to your dating status.  Wait until your ready to get engaged. Then delete the story if you break up. And the universe apologizes for the awkwardness that will ensue when people find out anyway.

It seems like the solution is just never saying anything to anyone. Keeping strictly mum about your dating life. But that can be the most painful of all.  Because having no one to explain things to also means you have no one to lean on, no one to talk to, and no one there to help you recover.  So what do you do?  Perhaps it's not existentialist to think that all breakups cause emotion; but it is existentialist to acknowledge that the pain and awkwardness are just temporary, they are not bad in and of themselves.  They are just a part of life to be dealt with like every other part of life:) With patience, hope and trust.


  1. The part about you and other girls going through a rough patch at the same time reminds me of that one night that we all went to helaman field and threw fits haha. Breakups are awful but the best part was all the girl time I immersed myself in, so seriously if you ever need girl time give me a holler :)

    1. Ha ha, yesss, I remember that! I had just found out I MISSED my final! Good times, good times....:)