He Doesn't Care About Efficiency.

I went to my house in Salt Lake last night.  I was doing some laundry...and the washing machine broke mid cycle.  This was especially annoying to me because I happened to be washing my pillows.  So I hauled the soaking, soapy load to the bathtub and finished them Salvadoran style: by hand.  But my weak squeezing of the pillows was NO comparison to two high speed spin cycles, and they were still excessively soggy by the time I moved them to the dryer.

I ran them for 3 dry cycles and the last one finished while I slept.  I was really happy that they were getting dry, I'd had my doubts:)  Then in the morning, a quite mysterious thing happened.
I opened the dryer, and one of my pillows was *gasp* gone.  I don't know where it went.  I don't know why the pillow thief chose to take one pillow (the Calvin Klein one of course,) and leave the other.  I don't know who did it between the hours of midnight and eight.  And I don't know why.  I do know that I now need to go pillow shopping.  And that I wasted a LOT of time, energy and effort last night.

I HATE waste.  It makes me sick.  So much of life is wasteful.  And it somehow seems like the poorer and more stressed you are, the less you can afford efficiency.  When I was asking my dad if he knew anything about the pillow heist, I found myself explaining it to him in my anger by sarcastically yelling saying,

"I LOVE things that FRUSTRATE me because they give me a chance to ...grow."

The Lord is pretty forgiving.  And merciful.  And comforting.  I've found if you give him a gram of effort, he'll take away your anger and fear and replace them with peace and understanding.  Of course, it took a while for all my anger to fade, but by the end of that sentence, I could already feel myself calming down and realizing sarcasm wasn't necessary, because what I was saying was actually true.  (Well, maybe not the love part, but) frustrating things help us grow.  It can make me feel guilty when I don't do things the most efficient way.  Because I hate waste.  It makes me feel like an unwise steward, non-thrifty, and stupid. But despite our efforts, life is rarely efficient.

But something dawned on me today.  The Lord doesn't care about efficiency.  He doesn't care about convenience.  He's in the business of changing hearts, how can he?:)  Patience and efficiency are pretty opposite.  Patience and convenience are pretty opposite.  I know the scriptures tell us over and over to be patient, but I don't recall being told to do things the most efficient way.  Is it efficient to talk to a child?  Is it efficient to give a drug addict time and chances?  No.  It's not efficient, and it's not convenient.  But Christ doesn't much value those things.  Those are things our natural man values, because they allow us to make more of our time.  Patience allows God to make more of us.  Patience helps us allow those around us to make more of themselves.

Update: There's also always a silver lining.  My new pillows are super comfy!

I'd Like a Little....Perspective.

"I'd like a little...perspective.  Fresh out, I take it?"

Today's post made me think of one of my favorite movies, Ratatouille. I could write an entire blog about my love for and belief in cooking... but for now I just want to nod to a quote from the movie because yesterday I was blessed with a little perspective.

Before we get started though, one of my favorite quotes from Anton Ego the angry food critic, that I quote all the time.  In response to Linguini's jab that Anton is thin for someone who likes food:

"I don't like food!! I loooooove it! And...

"

Anyway, Anton comes back ready to destroy the restaurant Gusto's reputation.  When he arrives, the waiter asks him what he wants.  

Mustafa: [taking Ego's order] Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir? 
Anton Ego: Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that? 
Mustafa: With what, sir? 
Anton Ego: Perspective. Fresh out, I take it? 
Mustafa: I am, uh... 
Anton Ego: Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this BLOODY TOWN, I'll make you a deal. You provide the food, I'll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947. 
Mustafa: I'm afraid... your dinner selection? 
Anton Ego: [stands up angrily] Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to hit me with his best SHOT. 

Then, of course, the song starts playing in your head.

Over the last few months, I've been on a journey and I feel like it materialized into a spiritual awakening yesterday.  It was my 23rd birthday:)  I was chatting with some friends and we started talking about something  I've been thinking about for months.  Particularly well articulated by President Uchtdorf in his talks Of Regrets and Resolutions and Forget Me Not: "Forget not to be happy now."

I've been trying to make a lot of life decisions lately.  I graduated college.  Now what?  I never before realized that my life plan culminated with that accomplishment.  I just figured my life would pretty much be set by now:) There are a lot of paths ahead, big choices.  Marriage, grad school, masters and doctorate programs, career choices, debt.....

A lot of things.  I've been a little scared trying to look at the fact that I don't know where I will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years.  And that I can't know.  I can't know.  Sure, I can plan.  I need to plan.  But there will always be uncertainty until it's over.

Anyway, our conversation.  We were talking about relishing what we have and allowing ourselves to be happy in uncertainty.  Not just to "live in the moment," but to choose to enjoy things as though the outcome doesn't matter.  Because, really, the outcome doesn't determine present happiness.  Even if it all ends badly, is that any reason to be unhappy now? If you have to deal with dissapointment later, wouldn't you rather have times of hope and happiness to look back on rather than only dread, doubt, and going half way? If it ends well, won't you feel silly for wasting all that time you could have been happy?

Example 1: My friend broke up with a girl a few weeks back.  It was really hard on him, but one of the things he really regrets is not enjoying what he had when he had it.  He only dated her for a few weeks, and he would come home from seeing her every night and be stressed and worried and freaked out about where it was going and what he wanted and what she wanted.  He wishes he had just enjoyed and cherished those few weeks while he had them.  Maybe it wouldn't be so hard for him to let go now if he had.  Point: he was putting his happiness on hold over worries that didn't end up mattering.

Example 2: For about a year, my friend has been stressed out over this guy who kinda wants to date her, but won't commit and won't meet her emotional needs.  He's a great guy.  But I know she would have been happier if she could move on.  I felt a little hypocritical as I was later talking to my roommie about a guy I used to date.  I sometimes still struggle with dating other people because he left such an impression on me of how great a guy can be.  My roommate told me that she wanted me to be able to let him go, because what we had wasn't that amazing.  Sure, he was an amazing guy, but I never fully had him and I certainly didn't have him now. Being able to fully let go and not worry helps me be happy dating amazing guys who do want to be in my life. Point: I was putting my happiness on hold because of something that isn't really pertinent.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking through scenarios, worrying about what path to take.  I spend  a lot of time worrying about things that will never happen.  I worry about getting another degree, the possibility of marriage and a family, career... I want the attitude of, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  I don't have to worry about planning the best year of a grad program to get married; or when I should have my first kid. Those things are not relevant in my life and to my happiness right now.  Of course, I should take things into consideration and be flexible, but I tend to take it to the extreme and worry about choices I will probably never have to make.  

I just want to be filled with love for the people around me and enjoyment of my life today.  To snatch little pieces of happiness as they come to me, rather than waiting for the big, perfect, happy life situation.  Because that will never come.  So what if I'm a new mom as I'm working on my grad program? I'll figure it out.  So what if I'm not top of my class?  It will work out.  I just want to enjoy the imperfect, small victories of every day.  Enjoy what brings me happiness now without worrying where it will take me in the future.  Without grieving over things that haven't happened and don't matter.  

Anton's face as he is offered perspective.  I had the same face as I sat in my bed writing in my journal, realizing that I just want to appreciate and enjoy what I have, while I have it and not worry about the past or future.

Then he happily devours his meal.  

And turns into a turtle-neck/beret-wearing weirdo.  But we still love him and his new-found happiness.

No More a Stranger: Ending Personal Loneliness

Loneliness has been on my mind the last few months.  My Bishop talks a lot about how we should never allow ourselves to be lonely.  

We usually blame other people for our loneliness.  It makes sense on the surface; we are always with ourselves, it's the presence of other people that keeps away loneliness, ergo other people hold the control.  But however logical it may seem, this is false.  

Sometimes single college kids feel like if they could just find "the one," loneliness would be over.  This is not true either. It will still be a challenge to not feel lonely while being a stay-at-home mom, alone with kids all day, or working a job in your own secluded office forty hours a week.  Not feeling lonely requires a skill set, and those skills won't become obsolete when you have your own family.

There have been times in my life when I felt intensely lonely.  I feel one would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't felt that way. The last few years, however, I've learned a lot about how to stave off loneliness.  And the fact is, that very little of what I've learned has to do with the actions of other people.

What I've learned about ending personal loneliness:

1. YOLO.  Stop caring about what other people think. Seriously, though.  Stick it to the man.   The most liberating thing you do is stop worrying about what other people think about you, because what other people think about you really doesn't matter much. It doesn't have to affect you. Once you realize this, you free yourself up to focus on more important things.  Like others.
2. People all have image hang-ups and self-esteem issues. Stop assuming that just because someone is ripped or skinny or in any other way "attractive," that they feel confident all the time.  No one is immune to the cultural messages that perfection is the only acceptable type of beauty.  No one  is perfect; don't be intimidated by someone because you think they have it all.  I believe that everyone is beautiful, stunning even, in their own way.  The more yourself you become, the more beautiful you will be. So don't fret that people don't want your friendship because they're too cool for you. Being confident about yourself is way more attractive than hustling to conform.
3. No one is smart and witty all the time. Don't worry if you say something dumb.  You're probably the only person that's ever happened to.  Oh, wait.  That happens to everyone, to some of us on a daily basis.;)  Acting like you never say stupid things is ridiculous! Embrace it. Don't refrain from reaching out to someone because you're afraid you'll say something dumb.  If you do, just laugh about it, correct it, or if it's a lost cause, walk away and try again.  Bonus: Your communication will improve only as you practice and  learn how to better express yourself.
4. People don't really want to hurt you. People say and do hurtful things.  This is a reflection of how they feel, not of you. Again: Not about you.  Don't be afraid to make friends with people because you think they'll hurt you.  Because it's not about you.  Instead, put yourself in their shoes.  Try to understand what the real issue is. Empathy, peeps.  Also: Look for this in yourself.  When you are rude to someone, apologize and calm down and look for the real cause.  Are your really angry that your roommate put her milk in your section of the fridge?  Or was it that you had a rough day at school? You're tired? You're frustrated that your attempts at organization are failing?  
5. It's okay if you feel lonely every once in a while. Really.  Cry.  Hang out with Ben & Jerry. Just know that they way you feel is temporary.  You will wake up feeling better. People worry that once they start letting their emotions come out, they won't be able to stop them.  This is usually because they have been "bottling" them up.  Don't bottle.  Let 'em out.  Let yourself feel and heal.  If you can't, seek professional help. I reiterate: They're professionals.  They can help.
6. You are your own best friend. Get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, be happy spending time by yourself doing things you love. Start doing those things that you say you do when people ask you about your hobbies.  Don't find them fulfilling? Find something that captures your interest.  Read. Cook.  Build airplanes.  Teach.  There is something out there that can ignite your passion.
7. Know your worth.  Value yourself.  I can't over stress this. If you know you're worthwhile, you will exude that and people will see you the same way.  If you don't view yourself as worthwhile, people will pickup on that too.  Hint: You are worthwhile, so don't think for one second that you're the exception to this rule.  You are not your own.  You were bought with a price, the blood of the Son of God.  That's pretty valuable.  If you don't know your worth now, make it a top priority to really discover it.
8. Family matters. Raise your hand if you have a perfect family. Okay, no one does.  Now that we've settled that, family relationships are important!  No matter what the situation is, do the best you can to bond with your family. They will be there for you in ways friends can't be. Don't brush them off. Look for the good.  Spend time learning from your family and from other families about how you want your future family to be. 
9. Nurture the friendships you already have. Value the friends you do have.  If you don't have any, value your acquaintances until they become friends.  When you feel lonely, it's easy to feel that you have no one.  Check Facebook, okay?  All of those people care about you enough not to block you.  That's a start:)  Befriend your friends.
10. Reach out. Obvi.  People always wish that others would approach them and make friends with them. I'll tell you a secret: if you never approach anyone, people won't approach you.  Because you will have made yourself unapproachable.  The very thing that draws people to you is your ability to reach out and make them feel wanted and welcome.
11. God is the only constant. He's the only one who can pick you up every time you fall.  He's the only one who will give you undeservable love.  It's He who will complete you, challenge you, engage you, and make you your best self.  We were blessed with the gift of the Holy Ghost to be our constant companion when we were baptized.  We are never alone. 

End the Glorification of "Busy."

I manage our business Facebook page.  You know how Facebook will prompt you to update your status by saying, "What's on your mind?"  On the business pages, it will prompt you with other things, like "Are you doing anything special for the holidays?" or "Share something with your audience..."

Today, the prompt really stood out to me.  It said "Tell people what you're busy with today..."  I have recently been thinking a lot about "busyness."  I have a friend whose life motto is "End the glorification of 'busy.'"


Elder Utchdorf commented on the glorification of busy:
"And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.

Is it?

I think of our Lord and Exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His short life among the people of Galilee and Jerusalem. I have tried to imagine Him bustling between meetings or multitasking to get a list of urgent things accomplished.

I can’t see it."

We live in a culture of stress and overabundance.  We run from work, school, practice, lessons, parties and errands in an endless whirlwind of busyness.  Maybe it makes us feel important.  Maybe we look down on those who are not busy because we are jealous of them.  We may think we have to do all these things. When we see people with the focus to say no, people with control over their lives, people who delegate and are interdependent, maybe we are a bit envious.

We know that the way they are living is good, better than the meaningless hustle and bustle.  They seem to posses such clarity; we feel embarrassed to be so overwhelmed.  So we start to make excuses about why we need to be so busy, and we defensively attack non-busy people questioning whether they are as needed or important or high-functioning as us.

Of course, life does get busy at times.  But it's one thing to get busy once in a while, and quite another to live as an angry American, ready to explode the second a car cuts in front of you on the road.  Life is not meant to be lived that way.

I am a fan of yoga and meditation.  When you are so high strung all the time, it's hard to slow down and connect with your body.  It's sad that we get that way.  We forget how to feel.

There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when busy people first experience yoga. They cry.  Even if they're not sad.  They feel the weight of things that have happened to them years ago.  They breakdown after being overwhelmed for far too long.  They finally take the time to slow down and connect with their bodies.  They feel.

Busyness is jading.  It forces people to go into survival mode because they can't emotionally handle all of the stimulation they're experiencing.  This is a great mechanism when you have to go through really stressful times.  But it can be hard to turn that off when the stressful times are over. It takes conscious effort to clear our minds and schedules and end the glorification of busy.