Pretty Hurts

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Hurts_(song)

 

Conform. Sit still and look pretty. You must be pretty if you want to be loved. If you're not pretty, you can't even love yourself.

 

Well, you know what? Pretty hurts. I'm not talking about being beautiful. I'm talking about being forced into a box of how to feel and be. Of resenting people who are free, because of course we would all like to be like that, but you can't be free if you're trying to be pretty all the time.

Women (and men) are literally broken down into checklists and numbers. 5.0 or 9.5. Graded on our worthiness based on being pretty. Yes, a lot of it is looks. Industrialized looks. But a lot of it is deeper. What if thin lips could be beautiful? What if uneven skin could be beautiful? "No!" they say. It's all science. We aren't intelligent beings, we're animals. We can't help what we like. If you don't conform to what homo sapiens like, you will be unacceptable, unlovable and alone.

 

It comes almost true.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. But do you know what they think of you? They think your hair is the wrong color. So it doesn't work out.

 

It's heartbreaking.
You don't know yet that it will go deeper.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is the right color. But do you know what they think of you? They think you're not entertaining enough. So it doesn't work out.

 

You start googling what you're doing wrong. There are plenty of people happy to tell you.

 

You fall for someone. You think they're great. This time, your hair is right. You work hard to be fun and spontaneous for them. You know they like this. But you didn't know that they like you to tell them that they are always right. So it doesn't work out.

 

You stop falling for people.

 

You start falling for the lies.

 

You study and shape yourself. You say it's self-improvement. It works.

 

But it makes you cry that it works.

 

You hear a song from years back every once in a while, or run into an old friend. It makes you nostalgic for yourself, before you knew what people liked.

 

It's hard to reconcile the likeable person you can be if you try and the unlikeable person you can be if you don't. We should try. We should be kind. We should have courage. We should be pretty.

 

You meet someone, but you don't fall.

 

You study. You feel something, so you calculate. You think.

 

You don't say too much or too little. You look good but hide the appearance of maintenance. You laugh but hide the frowns. You're pretty.

 

It works.

 

You keep them at arms distance but get terrified when they move farther away than your arm can reach. You are cool and unreachable, then you're desperate and irrational. You don't know why.

 

They stick around though. After a while, your arm gets tired of holding them at a distance. They're pretty cute, too, you want to be a little closer.

 

But what if they see? What if they start seeing the frowns? Or the pores? Or the moodiness? What if they see, Heaven Forbid, the dance moves???

 

Then one day it happens. They see something. Maybe it's a frown, or a rude remark. Maybe it's eyelashes with no mascara or a stretch mark. You freak out. Because you know what that will mean. That it won't work out.

 

Your knowledge comes from experience. It's not book knowledge, it's wisdom. It's truth. It's reality. We can't control what we like.

 

But then they don't go. It's confusing.
It's scary.
Because you know they will just see more. Then they will go, and you don't want them to. You never wanted them to.

 

They'll start saying things. Like that they don't care that you're not pretty. You never realized that that was what you wanted to hear all along.

 

Not that, "You are pretty."

That they don't care that you're not.

 

They think you're beautiful. They think your smiles and your frowns are beautiful. They think you're beautiful when you've shaved and when you are paying homage to your cold climate ancestors. They think your cuteness and your independence are beautiful.

 

You'll remember how it felt before you judged yourself. Before you decided only certain qualities could stay. Before something like the color of your hair could make you cry. You'll remember fearlessness. You'll remember confidence. You'll remember yourself like an old friend. You'll remember strength, not prettiness.

 

You'll still cry sometimes. You'll still get scared and crawl into your "pretty" box for protection. It's hard to believe, but you will see it with your own eyes. Your knowledge will come from experience. It won't be book knowledge, it will be wisdom. It will be truth. It will be reality. We can choose what we love.

 

Pretty girls make me cry. Because pretty hurts. Deeply. It doesn't hurt to put on mascara. But "pretty" girls put on mascara to cover up the pain of when someone said their eyelashes were short and it didn't work out. It doesn't hurt to exercise. But "pretty" girls run to run away from the pain of when someone said they were too fat and it didn't work out. Plastic surgery hurts. But not as much as the pain of someone not loving you because you're not "pretty."

 

Pretty is a mask that hides deep wounds of not being loved. But if we can be brave enough to put down the mask, someday we will discover that we're worth more than pretty. We're actually beautiful.

 

<3<3<3 

Tree Change Dolls

 

 

Tree Change Dolls Facebook

 

Tree Change Dolls Website

I love these dolls :)

A beautiful Australian woman removed these Bratz dolls faces and repainted them the way they could be. She added flat feet, and some modest, homespun clothing.

Pictures of these dolls went viral shortly after she shared them on her personal Facebook page. I think people love them for a lot of reasons. The dolls look soooo different, but nothing too significant is changed, not hair, not face shape, just the makeup and attitude.

I think I love them so much because they look like they've been set free. They look real. They look like they can see. They look like they could say something. They look innocent, curious, kind, intelligent, open. Not hard, closed off, frozen and unfeeling.

 

Doll makers would do well to take the viral-ity of these dolls into consideration.

 

But I think the change in these dolls resonates much more deeply for a lot of people. They raise interesting questions, that I think demand some heartfelt searching rather than easy answers. Which version of myself am I? How am I choosing to show myself? Do I bravely show my true self and not present/value myself as just a thing? Are the small, subtle things I choose to do/be making me more kind, intelligent and open? Or, are they making me into a cold, hard THING?

 

We deserve to speak and see and think and be modest. We are not things.

:* <3

Fall Wreath and Tree of Thanks

Yaaay! Finally getting ready for fall! Just in time as it started snowing. Good thing we snuck in one last camping trip last weekend!!! I love camping but NOT in the snow. 

I had been wanting to do some kind of fall wreath, and the Dollar Tree answered my call!  

I made this (imo) ADORABLE fall wreath for only $3. I bought the branch wreath, sparkly berries and off-white ribbon at the dollar tree. I cut up the berries (they were originally in a branch) and glue gunned about half of them to this wreath. Then I just tied a bow and snap! A cute fall wreath :)

I love the berries and bow!!! The colors were just perfect.

My adorable roommate Molly suggested we should make a gratitude tree for Thanksgiving. She and Mikayla cut out leaves and a trunk and it turned out so cute! We've been writing things on the leaves that we're thankful for. Our stake president and elder's quorum president stopped by to visit last night (while we were sweating in workout clothes preparing for our just dance talent show piece, nbd...) and they also wrote a few things.:) It was so great to have them visit. 

Tree of thanks! Happy thanksgiving! 

Here's the template they used to make the leaves. They didn't print it out, but it was a very helpful visual guide:)

Round Brush Heaven

All I'm saying...is if you want volume on the top region of your head, use a round brush. Teasing...well you can do that I guess. I just love my hair and it's not nice to tease. I have taken to blowdrying my hair with a round brush lately, and it's the best structured volume I've ever experienced! I just picked up a cheapo 3" soft bristle round brush from Ulta. I really love using it on my bangs, I kind of pull them up/forward/to the side. But I also love it all over my head:) It gives my curly hair so much more bounce and makes my straight hair look so much less drab. I have really thick hair, which is a huge blessing, but it's weighty, and I struggle to keep it volumized on top and avoid the dreaded pyramid hair. This is my top hair volume salvation:)

#mirrorselfie

"My Beautiful Woman"

Wacoal Thailand has produced a campaign called "My Beautiful Woman."  It's the sweetest!

Their slogan is:

"Women Are All Made Beautiful."

I love the three short videos they've produced.  There are a lot of "true beauty" campaigns out there, but this one is very special.  It focuses on selfless love as the thing that makes a woman beautiful.  In the films it shows three women who quietly sacrifice for those who need their help.  I know a lot of beautiful women:)

It reminds me of that scripture, Matthew 16:25   For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will^alose his life for my sake shall ^bfind it.

Let's interpret it a little bit differently: Whosoever will focus solely on herself shall not be beautiful: and whosoever will forget herself in the service of others will have true beauty.

52 New Things: My Hair Adventure... (6 to go)

So.  Several new things. This week has been a hair adventure.  I attempted to put in some subtle ombre highlights.  They turned out pretty well, but the dye I used to tone it was actually a high lift dye, and it turned my hair suuper red!

"Hmm, I wonder what's happening under this cap right now.  Probably my hair's turning orange."

It was Sunday the next day, so I had to go to church with orange hair. (You're welcome.)

The sun'll come out...tomorrow! This is a fairly accurate pic of the color

I went to Salt Lake for Christmas.  I got my sister's hair dresser to do my hair.  She didn't think it was that bad (my first red flag).  She said she could still do the highlights and dye the rest back to the original dark brown.  Cool:)  But not cool at the same time, because it was still orange when I left.  Yes, I cried in the car on the way home.  Yes, like a baby.  Yes, for the first time I contemplated that I might have to live the next five years with orange hair.

So relaxed, just sending in sample pics to Sesame Street in case they like the eyebrow look on me.  Because yes, I bleached them out too.  Totally unaware that the dye would NOT hold at all and I would still have orange hair.

I made an appointment for a color correction at a really nice salon a few blocks from my house.  By nice, I mean expensive.  I read some mixed reviews, and I started to get a little worried that I would have a similar experience as at my last hair appointment.

So I had an idea.  This one was actually good.  I thought, why don't I just get a couple boxes of dye and toner and do a strip test.  If it turns out, money in the bank.  If not, I'll just go to the salon.  And you know what?  Money in the bank:)  After presents on Christmas morning (and no Christmas pics, sorry) Mom and I scrubbed up and did a little hair repair.  I conditioned it for an hour afterward (because my hair had been treated how many times by now???).  When I washed it out, ahhhhhhhhhh it wasn't orange anymore!

The roots were very, very dark. In my zeal to wash out the extra dye, I toned it down a little (It's still darker than before:/) but I really washed out the bottom right under the line of dark dye.

There is a distinct line between dark and light (symbolic?;)

The brassiness is probably the bigger problem.  It wouldn't be so noticeable if it wasn't so red.

I like the subtle highlights showing through:)

Line of red in the middle of my hair

And I just couldn't leave it.  I got the Revlon Frost and Glow Honey highlighting kit and light ash brown dye. 

I put in the highlights in.  I looked a little like Rouge from x men:)  

Then I toned them with the dye.  I also put some of the dye just lightly on the black part of my hair.  Guess what? It actually turned out pretty great:)  Not perfect, yes over-processed (ha) but luckily I have beastly hair that is thick and full of body and basically nothing can destroy it.  Of course I will be babying it for the next few months, but I think it'll be fine:) I got a purple toning shampoo to help balance out the slightly red and gold tones that are still in my hair.  Other than that, I finally like it:)

Ahh, so subtle, just the way I like it:)

Thanksgiving point gardens!!!

The glorious central lawn at Thanksgiving Point Gardens

 We went to the Thanksgiving Point gardens for $2 Tuesdays in August.  They were soooooo beautiful!  It felt like we were in paradise.

 The waterfall there is the largest man-made waterfall in this hemisphere. So awe inspiring!!!

One of my favorite parts (every second was my favorite part...)  was the secret garden.  It's tucked away, just a small wooden door in a wall in a brick archway.  

When you walk inside, you see this beautiful fountain.  There are a few little "rooms" to wander through and some sculpture.

We got caught in the rain:)  It was actually pretty fun. And as stunning as nature can get.  We saw the bronze statues of Christ in the rain.  I felt like it was their natural state to be seen in.  Particularly the life-size one of the Savior walking on water during a storm, and the one of him in Gethsemane.  They rain made tears stream down His face.  What a beautiful experience.:)  We were so lucky to be able to come.

In Defense of Dove's Real Beauty Campaign

http://realbeautysketches.dove.us/

There has been a LOT of backlash against Dove's Real Beauty campaign piece "Real Beauty Sketches."

I know there are flaws in this campaign.  But it is still such a good thing.  Such a powerful, bold thing.  I think critics overlook the good in this campaign in the frenzy to point out why it's not optimal.

I don't know if the way I interpret this is right, but I've spent a lot of time in my undergrad in public health learning about media messages and how our thought processes and emotions are affected by them.  This is what I think.

• Some of the things others have been criticizing that I don't think are worthy of criticism: use of beautiful women, focus on beauty as the most important value, lack of diversity, and they are created by a beauty company.

• Some of the things I see wrong with this campaign: research design, artist bias and reporter bias.

• Some of the things I see right with this campaign: focus on the emotions the women are feeling, focus on how destructive self-perception can be, bold stance against the beauty industry standard.

Let's get started. First, I want to clarify two points. (There's a whole post about how our brains interpret this.)  

Number one:  "Society" (meaning: industry, commercial ventures, media, cultural beliefs) tells us that beauty is a definable, measurable quality.  You can systematically rate how beautiful a woman is.

Number two: We are bombarded with the message every day of our lives that a woman's worth is measured by her beauty-- and it does affect us.

Soooo many women think they are above being affected by this.  It makes me sad.  Because rather than learning to rebel against the system, they feel guilty for worrying about their something as trivial as their appearance.  And they feel guilty for not being perfectly "beautiful." (Read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.)

Criticisms I think are invalid:

The campaign only uses traditionally beautiful women.    

I want to be very clear.  The women in this campaign are lovely.  None of them will ever model for Victoria's Secret.  

These women are short and tall, young and middle aged, big and small...they are different.  Have you ever seen a line up of models?  It's like they dyed one girl's hair a bunch of different colors and put new makeup on her for each image to save on model salaries.  They look EXACTLY the same.  The modeling industry is very explicit that there is only one standard for beauty, only one way to be beautiful.  If you don't fit the bill, well, you can try to buy products to turn you into that ideal so you'll look less embarrassing, but you'll still probably never measure up.

There is no diversity. 
Okay. The simple answer is that there is more diversity in this quick clip than in 10 hours of beauty advertisement. The women shown for the longest period of time are white or white-esque people.  White washing in the beauty industry is a big deal.  I would just like to point out (again) that there are women in this clip that are different.  They aren't all white-esque. Could it use more diversity?  Most def.  But there is some diversity of race, age and build.  No one can deny that.  Baby steps.  People don't seem to understand that this is a process.  If there were a bunch of traditionally unattractive, unkempt women ranting that beauty is not important, it would just reinforce that beauty IS important. (This also applies to those who criticize Dove for editing real beauty images.)

They focus on beauty as the most important value. 
People are so upset that Dove's message is "You are more beautiful than you think," rather than, "Beauty is not important, so stop thinking about it."  Sorry, Dove's mission isn't "How to Be a Great Human Being." We're talking about beauty here. That's why we're focusing on it and not other important qualities.  I don't think anyone working on the Dove campaign thinks beauty is more important than being a good person. But I mean, I don't know them all personally, so who knows?:)  This is a beauty campaign, it makes sense that it should focus on our ideas about beauty.  It's not a life campaign.  I just want that clarified.

It's created by Unilever. 
There have been complaints that since Dove is owned by Unilever, it's an untrustworthy campaign.  Once again, Dove is part of the beauty industry, something it's never sought to hide.  The campaign is by Dove, not Unilever.  Yes, the Dove company is owned by someone who owns other companies.  I don't think this is worth losing any sleep over.

Criticisms I have for the campaign:

The criticisms I have all deal with the research methods used in this "experiment." This experiment is not scientific.  They didn't want to test a hypothesis.  They set out to make this campaign piece and manipulated the data to prove the point that they wanted.  I'm not too worried about it, because I think it's a pretty universal truth that women are self-conscious when they should be more confident about their natural beauty, and about other aspects of themselves too, of course.

Participant selection:
Not random.  They had to volunteer, then the volunteers were weeded through, then the footage was weeded through until Dove had exactly the proper evidence to support the universal truth they set out to prove.  Not scientific.

Artist bias:
The artist was biased.  He stated that he was interested in the campaign and wanted to help women (his daughter included) learn to feel better about themselves.  He knew when he was drawing a woman describing herself and when he was drawing a woman described by the stranger.  He used a lot of artistic techniques that probably had nothing to do with the descriptions and more to do with proving the point that women are more beautiful than they describe themselves.


Reporter bias:
The strangers who described the women are here for a campaign to support true beauty.  Are they going to be that critical jerk that says the woman was ugly?  No.  They are going to focus on her positive, inviting attributes and happy, open personality.  Since they knew the basic purpose of the campaign, they weren't free to be totally unbiased.
The women who are describing themselves are also aware of the campaign.  They know perhaps, that they would be called out if they weren't totally honest about how they look, rather describing themselves as they hope or want to look.  Again, biased by knowledge about the campaign (if not about the specific experiment.)

Take home message: 
This "experiment" is biased, and not 100% reflective of real life. But I think the point they're trying to prove is valid: we often think our "flaws" are a big deal when they're really not.  So, they are trying to promote a good, healthy message, but they are going about it in a non-scientific way.

The Good Stuff

Whew, that was a lot of negativity!  Let's talk about the things that are right with this campaign:

The focus on emotion: 
The filming in this campaign is incredible.  It captures emotion.  It says things that words are not saying.  I love how accurately it shows the women as they are talking.  It shows the guilt, the embarrassment.  When the women are talking about what they would change about themselves, when they are admitting to possessing features that are not traditionally considered beautiful, their eyes flit nervously to the side and shamefully to the floor.  They bite their lips.  They fidget   They obviously look uncomfortable, embarrassed.  The point being, they shouldn't feel this way.  They are lovely.  They need not be so ashamed of their deviations from the prescribed epitome of beauty. It shows the smile fading as a woman realizes she doesn't think she's beautiful.  It shows a smile grow on a woman's face as someone describes her positively.  It shows a broken nail, messy mascara- the unending, unwinnable battle to be perfectly beautiful. This is why the campaign exists: to help women with these destructive emotions.


The focus on destructive self-perception: 
The Real Beauty campaign tries to help women understand that they worry way to much about being beautiful.  This is a good message.  It supports the criticism some have had that it should not focus on beauty as the most important thing.  * Reemphasize: if you're not worried about your appearance, it becomes much less important.  If you are worried that you're not beautiful enough to be accepted, successful, a good friend, a fun person...it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.

Bold stance against the beauty industry: 
Dove is a beauty company.  They sell soap, shampoo, deodorant and the like. But they are fighting against traditional messaging that you need a product to be more beautiful.  Since advertising has existed, the hook for beauty products has been: buy this.  It will make you more beautiful = accepted = happy.  Dove says, we support women the way they are. If you think that's good, support us by buying your toiletries from us.

And I totally do support that.  That's my stance.

How our Brain Interprets Media Imagery

Without getting too scientific, there are biological reasons that we respond to messages about beauty.  

There are three primary sections of the brain we're going to focus on.
Forebrain: the most developed part of the brain. It's logical, and thinks critically.  It remembers and works out problems.
Middle brain: this brain interprets thoughts and produces emotion.  It is illogical.  It can't reason.  It responds to external and internal stimuli (like seeing an image or thinking a thought.)
Brain stem: the least developed part of the brain.  It's primitive, concerned mainly with keeping your DNA on this earth by keeping you alive (chances to eat, being aware of danger) and reproducing (chances for potential mates.)

Thinking is learned.  Did you know that? We learn how to think and interpret what we think.  Our thoughts have patterns. Critical thinking is taught so we learn to question if our thoughts are valid.  We can learn to have positive, constructive thoughts rather than negative, destructive thoughts.  We are pretty good at manipulating the forebrain.  But the middle brain is a little more elusive. The words we think are concrete.  The feelings we feel are more abstract. They are harder to recognize and regulate.  And very difficult to manipulate with logic. 

So here's what happens.  A woman sees a picture of a beautiful woman- or a picture of a beautiful woman receiving attention from a man.  Her primitive brain recognizes it a something sexual and desirable.  It says "Hey, midbrain, we should be like that so we can keep our DNA on this earth." Midbrain passes along the message to the forebrain.  Forebrain is logical.  It says, "Mmm, we don't look quite like that woman.  Since all we get from this imagery is that she's hot (we know nothing about her morals, sense of humor, intelligence) I don't think we can be quite like her."  Midbrain is a little childish and gets upset when forebrain says this. It reacts with emotions.  "Why aren't we like this? Why can't we be? It's not fair!  We don't deserve a mate!" Sometimes forebrain hears these rants and tries to calm midbrain down with soothing thoughts, "It's okay, she's photoshopped, no one looks like that in real life, we're desirable and worthy of a mate just the way we are."

Many times, we're distracted though, and don't realize that midbrain is having a meltdown while we're watching our favorite TV show or reading a magazine.  And midbrain doesn't really understand what photoshop is.  Brain stem really doesn't understand.  There was never a biological situation before this time where it was necessary to distinguish a real image from a false image.  When we see a human being, our primitive brain can't tell it's not real.  Read: even when we logically understand this is an impossible standard of beauty with which to compare ourselves, our less developed brain areas do not.

Some women struggle because they know that logically, it's impossible to look like a photoshopped, make up wearing, posed, well lit image of a woman, but they don't know it emotionally.  They are confused because they think they can outsmart their brain's natural processes.

What can be done then?  Are we all just victims in an increasingly oppressive beauty society?
No!  There are some things we can do.

1. Limit media exposure.  Just say no to exposing yourself to unrealistic images and conceptions of women.  In our society, it's impossible to escape advertisement.  But a lot of what we see we choose to see in film, magazines, TV and other media.
2. Listen to your midbrain.  Become aware of when you feel sad about how you are/look.  Address those feelings.  Allow yourself to feel that way.  Understand why you feel that way to stop feeling that way in the future. (E.G. Please, please, pleeease never watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show.)
3. Think and say positive affirmations.  When you notice yourself thinking, "Wow, I should really lose some weight," or "I need some new wrinkle cream," or whatever...stop.  Pause and consciously send a message to your subconscious   Say, "I am beautiful and worthwhile the way I am.  I am enough.  I am valuable.  I am not a victim of society's standards." Etcetera. 
4. Be real.  Live in the moment.  Be connected.  Spend time with real people, helping, serving, interacting.  It will help you keep a proper perspective and remember what's really important.
5. Help other people struggling with the same issues.  We all have times of strength and times of weakness.  Be a beacon to others when you can, and allow yourself to be lifted by others when you are feeling weak.

Prom nails?

These remind me of prom nails for several reasons:
1) Teeny-bopper purple
2) Glitter silver
3) They're both Bon Bon's (If you didn't use these when you were young, you didn't experience (pre)adolescence.)

4) It's all over my cuticles

5) These would go SO well with a gaudy satin gown.